My Adoption Decision

I've had several people ask me how we came to our decision to adopt. While I've always known I'd wanted to adopt, it still was not easy. I'd imagined having 2 or 3 biological children and then someday adopting 1 or 2 children that needed a loving family. We'd been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years and it was hard for me to realize that might not happen. It seemed like absolutely everyone around me was pregnant and I wanted that too! I'm sure I'm not the only woman who has dreamed of that little pink plus sign. I knew God was leading us to adoption long before I was willing to admit it to myself. I was very angry about our infertility and decided that I wasn't going to adopt...that would show God, right? I didn't like His plan so I just wasn't going to do it! Even after we'd attended our first adoption informational meeting, I was sure I wanted to do in-vitro fertilization. Looking back, I was exactly like Jonah. How easy it is to read the story of Jonah and think "Wow Jonah...I would have never done that. I would have just done what God had wanted". And yet I ran away from God's plan just as fast as I could.


The next weekend we were at my parent's church listening to a sermon entitled "Wrestling with God" based on Genesis 32 when Jacob wrestled with God. It was about how God wrestles with us until we learn to trust Him. I sat in church that morning knowing God was talking to me. And I knew that I would continue wrestling with infertility and adoption until I learned to trust Him. I knew in that moment that we were being called to adopt. For me it was a very quiet moment of knowing I'd stop trying to plan everything out and just trust that God would lead us through this scary world of adoption. Apparently God didn't think I had quite heard enough however, because the sermon ended with the following poem. It's long but worth reading!


The Road of Life- author unknown
At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president.
I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know Him.


But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.


I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since.


When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable . . . It was the shortest distance between two points.


But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness,
He said, "Pedal!"


I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?"
He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust.


I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure.
And when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand.


He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine.


And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.


I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.


And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.


And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore,
He just smiles and says . . . "Pedal." 


I still cry reading this poem, because it hit me like a ton of bricks. "And when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand." Behind all my anger and worries, I was scared. And I had not realized it until that moment. I am really not a public crier (control freak, remember?) but I couldn't stop the tears that morning when he read this poem. And the image of God reaching back to hold my hand...what incredible peace that brought me. There are still so many questions and uncertainties I have about our future...and many times it is easy to worry. But in those moments I imagine this wonderful future God already has planned out for us. It may not be easy, but as long as Jesus is pedaling that bike I don't have to worry about where he's taking us.


So there I was quietly trying to stop crying in church, but knowing that I had understood what God was trying to tell me. And then we began to sing the last song..."Trust and Obey". I thought to myself "Okay God I really do get it now...please stop making me cry in church!" Through my tears I couldn't sing, but I listened to every word. I had sung this song so many times growing up, but it hadn't meant anything like it did that morning. "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey". And that pretty much summed it up for me. I walked out of church that morning, scared and uncertain, but totally at peace because I knew that God was going to hold our hands as we walked this road of adoption. And not only is he holding our hands, but he's leading us to exactly the place he wants us to be. All we have to do is trust...and pedal.  

Heather